2010 has been a year of constant reminders from God about our inevitable mortality. I am not one of those people who can take death easily. My sister jokes that I cry at every funeral and every wedding – whether or not I know the deceased or the bride is irrelevant. Its true. Funerals rattle my nerves and remind me of my end. I have lost two of my grandparents in the last 6 years – grandmother being earlier this year- and it feels as though a shelter has been removed from above our heads. This year also saw many relatives, especially young ones, passing on – leaving behind extremely bereaved families. It also saw a friend loose her daughter a day after she was born, reopening wounds that had apparently not healed yet.
It has also been a year of a plane crashing, leaving behind a shattered cousin, M, with just memories and pictures of her wonderful partner. Hearing about M loosing her husband in the crash has been painful. I wasn’t close to her. We hadn’t even spoken in years – maybe a fb msg here or there. But her pain is soooo real. I could physically feel the pain shrouding my chest. My naaani said that she absorbed it so bravely. She sat silently for hours, tears rolling down her cheeks, her baby brother wiping them for her. It has been over a month, I’ve emailed her twice but still can not muster the courage to call her. I don’t know what to say. What can I say? Will it bring back what she wants the most? I can’t imagine how she is trying to reconcile with her pain, I wouldn’t even know where to begin.
When life brings alot of joy, one wonders if the going is too good. Alhamdolillah I have nothing to complain about in life. IBut that in itself is scary. Maybe I’m being negative, but it can’t always stay this good, can it? Or what if I get used to this greatness, will I be able to handle it when the greatness of my life does not remain at this standard?
Loosing anyone is painful and hurtful. But loosing a partner is devastating. I love my kids to bits but they’re with me for 18-20-25 years, then they’ll move on. My husband and I are meant to be a lifetime – inshaAllah. I know this life is a trial and yes, that we’re here only temporarily and we have to accept God’s Decree. But how does one reconciliate with the agony? How does one forget the wonderful dreams we web, hoping to realize them together.. only to find out we have to walk the path alone now? I know my Rabb loves me and will not test me with more than that which I can bear… but I pray that I’m spared the anguish of loosing my husband and hopefully Allah swt has Decreed for me to rise before him.
Despite being inflicted with so much death around us,we have been trying to remain positive. Amidst all the negativity, Imran and I’ve really tried to make this a year of change. We decided to make sure we live the present before we worry about before or after. By habit, we distance ourselves from those whom we feel don’t genuinely feel and share our joys or happiness, thereby removing the constant negativity or the stress that comes with it. Yup, some may say we’re cutting ties of kinship, no we’re not! We meet everyone, but those whom we feel really negative around, we don’t make the extra effort to reach out and meet them.
We realized that most of our arguments were because of stuff either in the past or a worry about the future. We’ve therefore made it a point to make each moment a moment that we will reflect back to with fondness. It has been awesome! Alhamdolillah. Our fights have gone down 99% alhamdolillah. We’ve noticed that we laugh, joke, flirt and tease a 100% more because we’ve decided to live for now. We’ve been stretching our limits to pack in more into our schedule, yet have been stepping back to take long enough to absorb and relish the joy.
At the end of it all, it is not upto me or him how our life with turn or twist, but I do know that I don’t want to reflect in regret! May allah swt shower us with His mercy and protection and make our hearts content with whatever is destined for us. Ameen