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Tunnelling through…

Moving on.. February 3, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — shezahasan @ 4:17 am

Its been just over a week since Amma left us. The news still feels so fresh and really hard to absorb. Its emotionally tiring and trying. Although the pics of the funeral brought about a sense of closure, I still feel like I’m swinging between denial and shock.  There’s endless guilt of what more I could have done and an overwhelming amount of displaced, and definitely unhealthy anger. 

Its excruciatingly hard to refocus my mind to where it should be. I feel completely out of  control when it comes to my emotions. Theres an inner upheaval of all sorts. One moment I’m laughing, the next I’m a weeping mess. Its really scary and its really nerve wrecking. And I wasn’t even in the same city as Amma – I can’t even begin to imagine what they’re going through. All kinds of thoughts float through my mind. Internally, its a time of actualization and growth, reprioritization and replanning.

Time, they say heals. But here, time seems to be rewinding in a weird way. Every single thing that I do, I am reminded of a similar scenario that I spent with Amma. I’m going through the motions of living through each day, but at the end of the day, there’s no sense of accomplishment – just a relief that I made it through without breaking down or dwelling for too long.

I guess its the distance that makes things the hardest. As much as others may empathize, right now, its family that I yearn the most for. They share the pain of this loss, the actualization of the impact, the feeling of loosing an entire generation etc etc.

*Sigh*… I better log off right now!


4 Responses to “Moving on..”

  1. Adi Says:

    Hugggs. Wish you were here… For me as much as for you. Don’t know how you guys are coping from so far away.

  2. Nabiya Says:

    oh shezi.. I felt like i was reading my thoughts.. its amazing how many times I keep thinking I have to call Amma coz i havent spoken to her for 2 weeks.. and everythng i do just reminds me of her or our good times together. I just want to keep lookng at the pictures, readng your note or reading comments.
    Shezi, everyone who has read your note has emailed / phoned me saying WOW.. we didnt even know her but she sounds like an amazing woman and your cousin is an amazing writer!
    Adi, I can’t even being to imagine what you guys are going through. *hugs*
    when’s the reunion being planned?? can we manage it before the house is sold?

  3. aasi maasi Says:

    wish i could do more!
    love you!

  4. Ayesha Khan Says:

    Aww reading that brought back a flood of emotions and memories from what i went through when my nana died. It was the same situation, we were extremely close and he died while i was so far away.
    Time does heal…even though right now it seems that it will never get easier. Allah has blessed us with the ability to forget and move on
    One thing that really helped me was that everytime i remembered my nana, I used that opportuntiy to pray for him, inshaAllah it will help with the pain
    love you!

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