Its been just over a week since Amma left us. The news still feels so fresh and really hard to absorb. Its emotionally tiring and trying. Although the pics of the funeral brought about a sense of closure, I still feel like I’m swinging between denial and shock. There’s endless guilt of what more I could have done and an overwhelming amount of displaced, and definitely unhealthy anger.
Its excruciatingly hard to refocus my mind to where it should be. I feel completely out of control when it comes to my emotions. Theres an inner upheaval of all sorts. One moment I’m laughing, the next I’m a weeping mess. Its really scary and its really nerve wrecking. And I wasn’t even in the same city as Amma – I can’t even begin to imagine what they’re going through. All kinds of thoughts float through my mind. Internally, its a time of actualization and growth, reprioritization and replanning.
Time, they say heals. But here, time seems to be rewinding in a weird way. Every single thing that I do, I am reminded of a similar scenario that I spent with Amma. I’m going through the motions of living through each day, but at the end of the day, there’s no sense of accomplishment – just a relief that I made it through without breaking down or dwelling for too long.
I guess its the distance that makes things the hardest. As much as others may empathize, right now, its family that I yearn the most for. They share the pain of this loss, the actualization of the impact, the feeling of loosing an entire generation etc etc.
*Sigh*… I better log off right now!