Lesson 4: Stand Firm Against Spoiling June 23, 2008

Spoil-proof Your Kids: How to Raise a Child of Character: Lesson 4

by Dr. Dan Kindlon

(http://parenting.ivillage.com/gs/gsbehavior/0,,fmb4,00.html)

If there is one word that is associated with indulgent child rearing, it is spoiled. We’ve all seen kids who are spoiled. There’s a greediness about them. They throw tantrums in toy stores when their parents won’t buy them what they want. They always seem to want more and expect to get their own way. They have trouble sharing. The needs of family, friends, and the wider world recede like the earth in the rearview mirror of a starship.

We see the spoiled child as tainted and devalued. He has been overindulged and over-praised. He has not had to earn what he has: it has been given to him. An essential part of what we talk about when we talk about character is missing in him. He lacks integrity, fortitude, and a moral center. And it’s not just adults who notice bratty behavior. One 17-year-old girl I interviewed said: “About half the kids I know are really spoiled and they know it. They can get away with anything. It doesn’t matter what they do, their parents are like, ‘Oh, it’s okay, honey.’”

What exactly does it mean to be spoiled? Here are some examples: Spoiled kids expect to get away with everything. They expect special favors from friends and teachers (an extension on an assignment, for example). They get an allowance without having to do chores. They don’t have to obey rules at home, such as having to be home at a certain hour. And in general, they get too much leniency from their parents.

While America has changed a lot over the past year, we still live in relative affluence. The sense of entitlement so many of our kids developed before the economy began to weaken will not simply fade away just because the household income may have decreased. How many of us have watched our kids ripping into their presents on Christmas or Hanukah and then just tossing them aside? The getting, not the having, is what matters to them.

“Enough is enough!” we want to say to our kids. But how many of us, as parents, live our lives that way? For example, a friend of mine took her kids to the Washington monument. When she grew tired of waiting in the long line, she used a connection she had to get to the front of it. The next week she happened to be at her son’s school, and she saw him cut to the front of a line of kids waiting for the water fountain. She was immediately stricken by guilt at the part she had played in moderating this kind of behavior.

Let me stress that being spoiled is not just a rich kid’s disease. Although having money often makes it easier to externalize both problems and cures (buying material goods extravagantly, paying for the best psychologists, schools, and rehab treatments), parents without a lot of money can do the same thing. By not requiring their children to take sufficient responsibility for their actions or giving in easily to their demands, one can spoil children without spending a dime.

The kids I’ve talked to often made this distinction: spoiled was not necessarily a surfeit of money or material possessions; it was an attitude of not helping, not participating, not chipping in - of doing only what we want to, when we want to. And, perhaps surprisingly, kids even admitted that getting an allowance without having to do chores was related to being spoiled.

How can you as a parent combat these attitudes? Some parents know that if kids spend money that they’ve earned themselves, they will learn the difference between what they want and what they need. Since kids can be very label-conscious, you can demonstrate the difference between wanting and needing by having your child pay for status brands herself. Alternatively, she can make up the difference in cost between a reasonably priced item and the typically over-priced status item. For example, if a shirt costs $20 at the department store and $40 at Abercrombie and Fitch, your child can contribute $20 for the pricier shirt.

Perhaps the most important finding to come out of my research on the spoiled syndrome was that kids recognize that their parents are often too soft on them. They know that we are letting them get away with more than they should. Yet they also know that in order to be strong, to face the challenges of life, to become the people they want to become, they need our help in building character; in fighting against the atmosphere of indulgence that comes part and parcel with living in the richest society the world has ever known.

Stopping the Spoiling Syndrome
At the beginning of this workshop, you tested yourself to determine how indulgent a parent you really are. Let’s revisit this idea by taking some time to explore whether your child is spoiled and how you may be contributing to the behavior. Here’s a simple checklist to help you get started:

How many of the following scenarios are true for you?

• Your child frequently whines (children who whine a lot usually have found that it is a useful strategy for getting what they want)
• You find yourself doing work around the house while your child is watching TV
• You can’t think of a present for her birthday because she already has so much
• When your child complains about the food that you just served for dinner, you make something else
• You give your child an allowance without asking her to do any chores in return
• You jump in to help with homework at the first sign of trouble
• You grant your child’s every wish without skipping a beat

Now ask yourself these questions:
• Do you know other children whom you consider spoiled?
• Do you recognize their behavior in your own children?
• Do you think an outsider would consider your child spoiled? If yes, why?

As difficult a task as it is to find fault in your child and in yourself, identifying whether your child is indeed spoiled and the situations where you may be supporting this behavior is a necessary step toward ending the cycle. Once you recognize these areas, you can begin to change your own behavior, which will ultimately affect your child’s actions and attitude. For example, if your child is a picky eater - a common problem among parents - do not automatically offer to prepare alternative meals. Instead, attempt to get her interested in trying new foods by letting her help you plan the meals. If that doesn’t work, offer to make something else only after your child has tasted what the rest of the family is eating. If your child is old enough, she can make her own simple substitutions, like a peanut butter sandwich, but nothing that is going to require more mess for you to clean up.

When creating kids of character, much of it comes down to how we act as parents every day. By completing this Spoil-Proof Your Child workshop, you have taken an important step in helping to change your child’s behavior by developing an awareness of your own motivations - why you act the way you do with your kids. With an increased understanding of yourself, and consistent T.L.C. (time, limits and caring) for your children, you now have the tools to raise kids with character: that unshakable sense of self that sees us through life’s vicissitudes and is the foundation of all meaningful relationships.

Lesson 3: Getting rid of the Gotta Have its June 23, 2008

Getting Rid of the “Gotta-Have-Its”

Spoil-proof Your Kids: How to Raise a Child of Character: Lesson 3 (http://parenting.ivillage.com/gs/gsbehavior/0,,ch5h-p,00.html)

by Dr. Dan Kindlon

In Lesson Two you explored why you may be indulging your kids, and practiced setting some real limits by modifying one of your child’s behaviors. This week, you’ll discover how to help your children learn self-control through delaying gratification.

There are few of us who don’t know someone for whom self-control is a big problem, who has put his health and happiness at risk because of his inability to resist temptation. This is one of the reasons why the government agency entrusted to keeping us healthy, the Centers of Disease Control, places so much emphasis on trying to help teenagers develop self-control. Research clearly shows that without adequate self-control, teenagers place themselves at greater risk for problems later on because healthy habits are established in childhood and adolescence.

Self-control Leads to Better SAT Scores
Self-control affects more than our child’s physical health. Self-control is often vital if we want our kids to excel academically as well. Astounding as it may seem, scientists can predict what a preschooler’s SAT scores will be when she is seventeen based on early self-control. Psychologist Walter Mischel has researched what he and his colleagues call “delay of gratification.” They constructed experiments that gave children a simple choice: something small, not all that desirable right now; or, if they wait and resist temptation of the immediate payoff, a bigger reward. Mischel found that he could predict how well a four-year-old would do on his SATs by how long he was able to resist, say, some M&Ms, knowing that if he did resist and wait, he would be given several treats, not just the M&Ms. A child who could only delay gratification for five seconds had an overall SAT score that was about sixty points lower than the child who was able to wait five minutes. When the choice was between one marshmallow immediately or two marshmallows after an unspecified waiting period, the kid who was able to wait twenty minutes for the two marshmallows had a combined SAT score that was 210 higher than the kid who was unwilling to wait. Not only did the children who were able to delay gratification have higher SAT scores, but they were also rated by their parents as better able to cope with stress, effectively pursue goals, and resist temptation.

Some children are simply born with a predisposition to impulsivity while some are born with greater ability to resist temptation. But scientists still say that self-control can be altered by our experiences, which places much of the burden onto us parents. If we want our children to develop self-control, we must stop overindulging them and, instead, make them learn to wait their turn, delay gratification, and resist temptation. Likewise, we must exhibit self-control ourselves. If we can patiently wait in a 45-minute line at Disney World, keep our cool in traffic jams, and keep calm while we struggle to assemble a 4,000-piece Lego set, our children will tend to imitate this behavior in similar circumstances.

Teaching Frustration Tolerance
Closely linked to the importance of learning to delay gratification is a child’s ability to tolerate frustration. One of the hallmarks of what we call emotional maturity is the ability not to be fazed by setbacks; to roll with the punches and persevere in the face of difficulties. Kids today can press a few keys on their computer and download music or order movie tickets. They can instant message half a dozen friends at the same time. So much comes to them so easily; they rarely need to wait for anything. So it’s no wonder that kids whine when you’re busy and they want your attention, rant when you make them wait for a ride to the mall, or throw a fit because you refuse to buy them the hip sneakers they don’t need. It’s up to us parents to teach them how to wait and not get frustrated, to develop skills such as frustration tolerance, and more generally, how to cope with stress.

I think it’s paramount to talk to your kids about the importance of delaying gratification and frustration tolerance. If they’re old enough, you may even want to give them the SATs/M&Ms example. It is also necessary to put these concepts into practice by putting firm rules and structures in place for children to follow - to insist, for example, that they clean their rooms or finish their homework before watching TV. As painful as it may be for a child to experience stress and frustration, and for us as parents to watch, this strategy will reinforce the fact that self-control is important and pushes kids to build up their frustration tolerance level.

Play the Delaying Gratification Game
Here’s a way to put these strategies to the test. Start by making a list of three areas where your child can practice delaying gratification and building up her tolerance to frustration. Here are some common examples:

• Finishing homework without an extended break
• Being completely quiet while you are on the telephone
• Brushing teeth before hearing a bedtime story
• Cleaning dinner dishes before playing on the computer
• Finishing dinner before eating dessert
• Not eating breakfast until bed is made
• Not buying sneakers until they are on sale or they really need a new pair

Sit down and talk with your child about this exercise and what you expect of her. If your child is too young to understand, skip the talk and simply insist on the new behavior at appropriate times. If it helps, go ahead and make a game of the exercise. For example, use a timer and see how long can she work on homework without a TV break. If all goes well, the time will increase substantially by the end of the week, and you can reward her by cooking her favorite dinner or taking her to the movies.

Take the time to also examine your own level of self-control. Select three areas where you need to practice delayed gratification and frustration tolerance, such as waiting in long lines or sitting in a traffic jam. As you find yourself in these settings, be conscious of how patient you are or are not being. By developing your own self-control, you will be setting a better example for your children.

Lesson 2: Loving ways to set limits June 23, 2008

Loving Ways to Set Limits

Spoil-proof Your Kids: How to Raise a Child of Character: Lesson 2

by Dr. Dan Kindlon

(http://parenting.ivillage.com/gs/gsbehavior/0,,bwvg,00.html)

 

In Lesson One you learned about ways in which you might be overindulging your children in your every day life. In this step, we’re going to discuss TLC, which stands for Time, Limits and Caring - what I call the holy trinity of childcare. You’ll learn the importance of limits, and start to get comfortable with making rules and being strict with your children when necessary.

It’s impossible to raise children well unless we spend time with them. And spending simple time together has wonderful results. For example, my research shows that children in families that eat dinner together at least a few times per week tend to be less depressed, have less permissive attitudes toward sex, are less likely to use drugs, and are more likely to work to their intellectual potential in school. Caring is equally important - taking an active interest in our children’s lives, being willing to listen to what’s on their minds and participate in their activities.

For most parents, the trickiest part of TLC is setting limits for our kids. We believe setting limits-saying “no” for example- will destroy the closeness we have with our children and take all the fun out of parenting. But it is only by setting limits that we can help kids develop character and avoid some of the dangers of adolescence, including eating disorders, risky sexual behavior and underachievement.

The Importance of Limits
We all need limits, adults and children alike. Yet some parents believe that setting limits is inconsistent with our desire to have a relationship with our child that is based on mutual respect. Trust and mutual respect are a crucial part of the parent-child relationship, but I strongly disagree with the philosophy that says it is always bad to assert power over your children. You can try to discuss situations in which you and your child disagree - she wants to attend a rock concert, for example, and you feel she is too young to go with a group of friends to such an event - but in the end you may need to assert authority and simply refuse permission to let her go.

So when a child tries to get your okay to do something they’re not ready for by saying, “Don’t you trust me?” I recommend responding, “No, and I wouldn’t have trusted myself at your age either. Part of my job as a parent is to protect you from risky situations.”

Responses like this may anger your child, but your firmness also sends them the message that you care enough about them to hold the line, risk their displeasure, and create conflict and friction. They know it would be easier for you to give in. They are testing you.

Understanding Our Fear of Limits
In addition to obvious reasons, such as fear that our children won’t love us anymore, there is a more subtle level of “why” we as parents have trouble setting limits. A good place to start looking for these deeper whys is in the past, to the interactions you had as a child or teenager with your parents or anyone else who was intimately involved in your upbringing. We can’t avoid the influence of the people who raised us in the way we parent our kids - for better or worse.

Each of us carries idealized images of good parents and bad parents inside of us, what I call our “inner parent.” They influence our feelings and can have enormous power. When we remember the good version (the mother who always got up to cook us a hot breakfast, or the father who patiently helped us with our homework), we may try to live up to these visions - to emulate and please them. And so, in many instances, our good inner parents inspire us to be good parents. But our good inner parents can also influence us to be overly generous or overprotective - in general, over indulgent with our children. Trying to please a good inner parent can blind us to our children’s real needs for limits.

Ironically, we can also indulge our children because we want to avoid any resemblance to our bad inner parent. If we had a mother or father who was never involved, we may vow to be as involved as possible in our children’s lives, bending over backwards to fulfill their needs while we neglect our own. Thus, it’s important to be able to distinguish between when we are parenting our kids and when we are reparenting ourselves as children. Fortunately, it is possible to remodel these inner parents, or, at least, to reduce their power over us. Just getting to know them, by simply being conscious of them, we diminish their influence.

Know Your Inner Parent
Take a moment to visit your inner parents on their home turf, inside your head. Start with the good inner parent. Begin by thinking about an experience with your mother that brings back positive feelings. (If you can’t think of one, don’t worry - you’re not alone. Instead, pick another relative - your father or grandparent, for instance.) Try to remember as many details about the experience as you can. It makes no different whether your mom (or other relative) is as saintly as you remember her. What’s important is that you believe she was. For an introduction to your bad inner parent, simply do the opposite of the first exercise. Recall a painful or traumatic experience with one of your parents, an incident in which you felt furious, abandoned or betrayed. As uncomfortable as this experience may be, try to remember that it is a necessary step toward changing your parenting style for the better.

Choosing Proper Punishment
Now that you have explored some of the reasons why you may have trouble setting limits, you are ready to change your behavior. Once you’ve decided to establish real rules at home, it’s important to be consistent about enforcing them and it’s usually necessary to have some kind of punishment in place. Rules are usually more effective if there are real consequences to breaking them, and it’s important that the consequences are spelled out in advance.

“Time out” is usually effective for younger kids as a consequence. As kids get older, their rooms are generally where they want to be, so this becomes less effective. I stopped using Time Outs as punishment when my kids turned seven.

Other options include having your kids do tasks that aren’t a normal part of their responsibilities, such as sweeping out the garage or washing windows. Grounding is popular among parents; the loss of phone privileges can be effective. But be cautious about setting penalties that are too severe. For one thing, it limits your ability to punish for anything else. Once I worked with a set of parents who, in response to various infractions, removed nearly everything from their son’s room - stereo, television, computer, phone - until they no longer had any disciplinary leverage.

Changing One Behavior at a Time
Remember, setting limits doesn’t only need to be about punishment. You can be proactive about setting positive limits for your child, and you can start now. Choose one behavior you want to change or develop in your child (e.g. cleaning room, doing dishes). It may help you to think back to the Step One exercise. No doubt, there’s a connection between the behavior you give in on and the behavior you wish most to change.

To change the behavior, you need to map out a plan. Your plan should include:

1) How you will talk to your child about the new policy
This should include the reasons why you think it is important (e.g. I need the help around the house). Be sure that you explain your reasons without lecturing or placing blame. Your discussion will be more effective if your child perceives that you are asking for help rather than demanding it. Here’s how I would approach this conversation with my own son:

“John, I need to talk to you about something. Can we take 5 minutes now? I’ve been thinking lately about the kinds of chores I have to do around the house and to tell you the truth I could really use your help. So I’m asking you to take over the responsibility for putting your laundry in the hamper. I know you can do a good job.”

By stating your needs and posing your request in a non-threatening manner, your child will not only be more likely to agree to this new policy, but he will also feel like an integral and valued member of your family. You will also be reinforcing the importance of cooperation and responsibility.

2) The consequences andor rewards that will accompany the change
For example, you may decide to deduct 50 cents from your child’s allowance for every piece of laundry left on the floor. Be sure to explain this plan to your child. If you have previously just given an allowance without an incentive, your child may need some time to adjust to this new policy.

In order for your plan to succeed, you have to make sure you have chosen something about which you can be completely consistent. This can be the most challenging part of the exercise.

In Lesson Three, say good-bye to “gimmes” and “gotta have its”, and find out how to help your kids learn self-control.

Dr. Dan Kindlonis the author of Too Much of a Good Thing.

Lesson 1: Why parents indulge June 23, 2008

Why Parents Indulge

Spoil-proof Your Kids: How to Raise a Child of Character: Lesson 1

by Dr. Dan Kindlon

(http://parenting.ivillage.com/gs/gsbehavior/0,,bw24,00.html)

Today’s parents are doing a great job. Compared to earlier generations, we are emotionally closer to our kids, they confide in us more, we have more fun with them, and we know more about the science of child development. But we are also too indulgent. We give our kids too much and expect too little of them. Why? Because we want our children to be happy.

In our eagerness to spare our children pain, we often fail to realize that their happiness as adults is largely dependent on the tools we give them - tools that will allow them to develop emotional maturity, to be honest with themselves, to be empathetic, to take initiatives, to delay gratification, to learn from failure and move on, to accept their flaws, and to face the consequences when they’ve done something wrong. We need to prepare our kids for the time when they will be responsible for themselves, by helping them develop the healthy attitudes and good habits that are character’s foundation. And to do that, we must stop over indulging them both materialistically and emotionally.

This four-step workshop will not only teach you how to raise children of character, it will help you gain back control of your family and your home. You’ll discover why you may be indulging your child, and learn you how to make important and significant changes in your parenting behavior - set limits without feeling guilty, teach your children self-control and fight back against greediness.

But don’t get the wrong idea: this workshop is not meant as a morality lesson. Rather, the goal of this workshop is to help you learn to combine the best of both worlds - emotional closeness with our kids and the ability to set limits.

What’s Wrong With Indulging Kids?
By protecting our children from failure, adversity, and pain, we deprive them of the opportunity to develop a realistic sense of their strengths and limitations, and to learn important coping skills. Indulged children are often less able to cope with stress, for example, because their parents have created an atmosphere where their whims are indulged, and where they have always assumed that life should be a bed of roses. The body cannot learn to adapt to stress unless it experiences it.

Indulged children can also be at risk of being self-centered, angry, depressed, spoiled, envious, overly competitive and driven or, on the flip side, unmotivated. They may lack self-control, and thus be more likely to get into trouble with drugs, alcohol and risky sex.

Understanding Why We Indulge
For today’s parents, mostly Baby Boomers, our children are at the core of what gives meaning to our lives. We are the generation who didn’t get married to have sex. Many of us waited to have children. After losing faith in our leaders, we came up with the bumper sticker “Question Authority”. As a result, when we became parents, we were often uncomfortable setting strict limits and exerting authority over our children.

In addition, families tend to be smaller now than in the past, making each child all the more precious. And so we may be overprotective to a fault, denying our children the growing experience a little pain can bring. Also, we indulge our children at least partially because we can afford to. We want to share the good things in life with our kids; and we know that money can protect us from at least some of life’s problems. But money can’t protect our kids from the discomforts of maturation, and it can’t buy them character.

We indulge our children in non-materialistic ways, too. Too many of us seem to be seeking our children’s approval, an affirmation of ourselves and our worth. Rather than impose authoritarian punishments when our children misbehave, we want to talk things out with them, reason with them. We want open and honest communication, not dictatorial rule. We want to be emotionally close to our kids, to have fun with them, to be, to some extent, their friends. This blurring of the line between being a friend and being a parent is one of the most significant trends in parenting today, and it most often results in confusion for us and for our kids. The good news is that parents can set limits and still have fun with the kids. I’ve heard from kids who said their moms or dads were “pretty strict” or “too strict” who also said that they had fun with their parents most or all of the time.

With the skills you learn in these four steps, you’ll be able to have the best of both worlds. You’ll be able to do what’s right for your children by setting necessary limits, without sacrificing the close bond that is one of the great strengths of parent-child relationships today.

Stopping the Spoil-Cycle
Now take some time to think more specifically about how you may overindulge your children by asking yourself how often you “give in” and do something for your child that is her responsibility as well as how often you let your child have something that she hasn’t earned or shouldn’t have in the first place? If making lists helps you organize your thoughts, be sure to write your examples down. Over the next four weeks, you will learn how to stop yourself from this behavior - and gain back control of your household.

Here are some common examples:
• Picking up used bath towels off the floor
• Putting away toys/straightening room
• Feeding/walking pet
• Cleaning up after dinner
• Coming in past curfew
• Going out without finishing homework
• Staying up past bedtime

Consider your list and think about the reasons why you give in. Common reasons include the following:
• Too tired/easier to do yourself
• Don’t want to start a fight
• Don’t want to interrupt child’s activity (playing with friend, watching favorite TV show)
• Feel guilty about something (yelling at child, being away from home too much)
• Only want your child to be happy

Think about your motivations for giving in and ask yourself whether they are justified. However you indulge your children, and whatever your reasons are, it’s guaranteed you’re not alone. Move on to Step Two to learn loving ways to set firm limits with your kids. Making a real change is easier than you think!

Court Overturns father’s grounding of 12 year old June 19, 2008

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/afp/080618/canada/canada_child_court_offbeat

OTTAWA (AFP) - A Canadian court has lifted a 12-year-old girl’s grounding, overturning her father’s punishment for disobeying his orders to stay off the Internet, his lawyer said Wednesday.

 

The girl had taken her father to Quebec Superior Court after he refused to allow her to go on a school trip for chatting on websites he tried to block, and then posting “inappropriate” pictures of herself online using a friend’s computer.

 

The father’s lawyer Kim Beaudoin said the disciplinary measures were for the girl’s “own protection” and is appealing the ruling.

 

“She’s a child,” Beaudoin told AFP. “At her age, children test their limits and it’s up to their parents to set boundaries.”

 

“I started an appeal of the decision today to reestablish parental authority, and to ensure that this case doesn’t set a precedent,” she said. Otherwise, said Beaudoin, “parents are going to be walking on egg shells from now on.”

 

“I think most children respect their parents and would never go so far as to take them to court, but it’s clear that some would and we have to ask ourselves how far this will go.”

 

According to court documents, the girl’s Internet transgression was just the latest in a string of broken house rules. Even so, Justice Suzanne Tessier found her punishment too severe.

 

Beaudoin noted the girl used a court-appointed lawyer in her parents’ 10-year custody dispute to launch her landmark case against dear old dad.

Protected: Just THAT kind of parent.. (part 1) June 7, 2008

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Mothers May 21, 2008

This is for all the Dads and Grandparents that care as well.
 
Mothers

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, ‘It’s okay honey, Mommy’s here.’

Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who
can’t be comforted.
 
This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.
 
For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON’T.
 
This for the mothers who gave birth to babies they’ll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.
 
This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors.
 
And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars. And that when their kids asked, ‘Did you see me, Mom?’ they could say, ‘Of course, I wouldn’t have missed it for the world,’ and mean it.
 
This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.
 
This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat.

For all the mothers who read ‘Goodnight, Moon’ twice a night for a year.  And then read it again. ‘Just one more time.’
 
This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.
 
This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.
 
This is for every mother whose head turns  automatically when a little voice calls ‘Mom?’ in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home — or even away at college ~or have their own families.
 
This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they’d be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.
 
This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can’t find the words to reach them.
 
For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.
 
For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting.
 
For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.
 
This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.
 
What makes a good Mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?
 
Or is it in her heart?

Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down 
the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?
 
The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?
 
The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when you just want to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in your home?
 
Or the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?
 
The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation…
 
And mature mothers learning to let go.
 
For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.
 
Single mothers and married mothers.

Mothers with money, mothers without.
 
This is for you all.  For all of us…> > Hang in there. In the end we can only do the best we can. Tell them every day that we love them. And pray and never stop being a Mom.. 

‘Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall.’

Baby decorators.. May 6, 2008

I’ve long been the kind to oppose all things fancy that make parenting commercialized and materialistic. infact, it scares me when i see parents running to the stores buying the latest shabbangs for their kids. What better way to ensure that our kids are not only fussy and picky about trends and brands from a young age but are also dependent on things/materialism to secure a ‘comfortable’ existence for themselves? Let’s not even get started on prices for these obnoxious things.

Anyhow i’m not here to put up a post with my own thoughts. I just found something really interesting and similar to what my thoughts on the topic is… so read on and enjoy another one of Robert Schank’s pieces!

-=-=

Sometimes a Drum is Just a Drum

My grandson Milo visited again. He is nearly two. His visit started me thinking about the toys I had bought him for the last visit and what they tell us about the current view of education and parenting that in our society.

Simply put, most of the toys I bought him are absurdly stupid. He loves a truck that he calls the digger because it is just a big toy truck. But he doesn’t much care for the drum, the computer, or the phone that I bought him. He does like the house’s hose a lot, as well as the water guns and the sand toys.

I am with him.

The drum, the computer, and the phone suck. It is obvious why. They were designed for parents not for kids. They are meant to teach instead of to be played with. But what they actually teach and what they purport to teach are different things. The real question is “what the heck is going on here?”

With this question in mind I visited the web sites of three toy companies to see what they think they are doing. I started with LeapFrog.

‘Brightlings Builders hold fun surprises that encourage exploration! Nine pieces fit together in different ways, motivating babies to create endless combinations. Different shapes and sizes develop spatial awareness. Colors, textures and sounds stimulate all the senses. It teaches Motor Skills and Creativity. ‘

Until I read this, I wasn’t really sure how to teach creativity, a subject I actually do know something about, but now I know how. You get a LeapFrog toy with nine pieces that fit together in different ways and voila! Do you think LeapFrog has done the long term study that shows that babies who use this toy get more Nobel Prizes? I guess they haven’t had the time. Here’s another from LeapFrog:

‘The Learn & Groove™ Activity Station introduces infants to learning through music and play. A flip of the jukebox page transforms the activities on the table from learning activities into musical discoveries. In Learn mode, activities on the table help develop fine and gross motor skills while teaching infants the alphabet, number names, counting 1-5, colors, language development, and cause & effect. ‘

Wow! Kids learn cause and effect because they push buttons and something happens! Don’t they learn this from falling down and throwing food as well? And gross motor skills! Hoo hah. I thought you learned those by moving around. Well, what do I know?

One thing I was beginning to see from reading these ads is that there must be a lot of parents out there worried that their kids will grow up color blind. I never met anyone who couldn’t recognize and name colors. Maybe it is because everyone has had these wonderful teaching toys!

Maybe it is just LeapFrog that is insane. They were the ones who made the drum I bought for Milo that names letters when hit instead of making the drums sounds I had expected. So I looked at some others companies’ sites.

‘Bring out the genius in your pre-schooler by enriching his play time. We combine colorful characters and advanced technologies to get a child’s attention. But, as a parent, you’ll love the fact that he’s getting ready for school by learning letters, numbers, writing and counting. Entertain your preschooler and a lifetime of learning will begin. Your little one will be ‘wired for learning’ with Baby’s Learning Laptop! The colorful keyboard interacts with a bright light-up screen to teach shapes, common objects and feelings. ‘

And suddenly I was beginning to get it. These companies (this time it was Vtech) are catering to a game that parents think they must be playing. They are bringing out the child’s genius because all children are potential geniuses. They just don’t make average kids any more. The non-geniuses are those are that didn’t get genius building toy computers.

Your kid can’t just go to school one fine day when he is five. He won’t succeed without preschool. But wait. What if he isn’t ready for preschool? He must be “wired for learning” and he must be taught shapes, because the names of shapes will get him ready for geometry which will get him the high SAT scores he will need to get into Harvard. So make sure he starts practicing for those standardized tests when he is two.

Whoops. I forgot it also teaches feelings. He is going to learn feelings from a toy computer! At least they have right. He will learn frustration, irritation, and boredom. Can’t start too early on those.

But wait. It gets worse.

‘The V.Smile™ Baby Infant Development System goes beyond passive developmental videos with a breakthrough, interactive approach to learning. Select the Play Time mode on the panel and watch your baby play and use colorful, easy-to-press buttons to hear fun, educational phrases. Select the Watch & Learn mode and your baby can watch educational animations complete with baby sign language. Finally, as your baby grows, select the Learn & Explore mode where he can actually direct the play on the screen by choosing the subjects he wants to explore. Each Baby Smartridge features learning games with five different baby signs, and teach important skills like colors, numbers, sounds, animals, music and shapes. ‘

In other words– it’s a TV. And your baby will learn even more colors and shapes from TV. Plus there are “educational phrases!” Oowee! And its “interactive!” Just like TV! There are those interactive on, off, and channel changing buttons and everything.

Do people really buy this junk? Yes, they do. Even I did. But I didn’t know what I was getting. This is what is available. What else is out there? It is hard to find a drum that is just a drum.

Finally there is Baby Einstein. I even hate the name of that company. Here are two of their products:

‘Baby Einstein Eat & Discover 9-oz. Insulated Straw Colors Cup. Baby Einstein makes mealtime easy for busy toddlers. From the non-spill top with a fun straw to the secure bottom, he gets to take charge of feeding himself — just the way he likes it! Makes mealtime an opportunity to discover colors, shapes and nature. ‘

Since learning about food and how to eat it is so unimportant, let’s distract your possibly color blind child with more nonsense. No time for a break from all those educational toys. Now even the cutlery is educational.

This next one is my favorite however:

‘The Baby Einstein Color Kaleidoscope introduces your little one to color in three languages.

Mode One (3-6 Months) introduces your little one to primary colors. Grasping the brightly colored handles, baby activates color-coordinated lights in red, yellow and blue accompanied by enchanting melodies for an engaging light show.

Mode Two (6-12 Months) introduces your little one to three languages. Grasping either of the red, blue or yellow handles, babies will hear the name of each color in English, Spanish and French.

Mode Three (12+ Months) introduces baby to secondary colors. By grasping more than one of the multi-colored handles, your little one will mix the primary colors into three secondary colors of green, orange and purple for an entertaining show of light and music. ‘

In addition to the continuing color obsession, now we have some new idiocy. While your child is trying to sort out the language that his parents speak to him, let’s add some stuff that even his parents won’t recognize. Because, it has certainly been shown that children grow up trilingual if only you remember to say some words of another language to them from time to time. Colors are so important for mental development because it has been shown that people who are color blind are also incapable of functioning in society especially if they don’t know how to say the names of those colors in three languages.

All right. Enough sarcasm. What is going on here?

Clearly toy companies are trying to cash in on two things. One is the fear that your child will lose the competition and not get into Harvard and the other is that the schools are incapable of teaching the basics.

This is all very sad. Not that many people actually get into Harvard, after all, nor is Harvard so darn important. I have actually known successful, happy, people who have not gone to Harvard. (OK, I used to teach at Yale, I admit it.)

And, the schools are capable of teaching the basics. Your child does not need to go to preschool unless you need the day care. And he does not need these silly toys at all. A child needs a safe environment, loving parents, and a world that stimulates him and allows him to practice skills he needs. What skills are those? Talking. Listening. Navigating the world around him. Seeing what the stuff in his world does. Seeing what the adults in his world do and trying it out.

I had hoped the phone I bought him would let him pretend to talk on the phone, but the phone makes so much racket that you can’t pretend anything. Real phones don’t say letters when you hit their keys. That’s not what they are for. Toy phones are for fantasy play about talking to someone, I bought him the computer so he could pretend to send e-mails and copy what his mother does. But instead he hears about pretending to download a screensaver and excluding other kids from the conversation. Fortunately he doesn’t understand any of this. When he does I will throw the damn thing out.

The schools, I am afraid, have achieved in the public’s eye, the status of a place that is so broken that your kid is better off learning from toys. Now, I do think the schools are broken, but parents are broken too. (This is one of the reasons why the schools are broken.)

Parents: Stop buying educational toys. Sit down and talk to your child and teach him to do what you do by letting him try it out when he is ready. “No,” to interactive toys. “Yes,” to interactive parents.

By the way, Milo knows the alphabet. He didn’t learn it from a drum.

7 ways to promote Sibling Harmony.. April 3, 2008

Do you know when to step in to settle a squabble with your kids and when to let them work it out? Check out these seven ways to help your children build lasting, harmonious relationships.

Allow siblings to express their feelings about each other. Give your child time and space to vent frustration. When he or she talks to you about another sibling, listen. Acknowledge that you understand your child’s viewpoint, and that it’s normal to feel that way. Tell your child this is something he or she can work out.

Give each child alone time. Make it a point to spend time with each child individually. Use this opportunity to focus on your child to reinforce his or her independence and uniqueness. When your children know you recognize them as individuals, not just one of a group, they may be more willing to spend time with their siblings.

Know when to step in. When the inevitable small arguments occur, it’s good to let your kids learn to work things out on their own. They are practicing negotiating skills for later in life. If the argument becomes a fight, then intervene. The more they are allowed to fight as children, the more likely they are to fight as adults.

Make cooperation opportunities. Once a month, plan a family event in which teams are formed. Pair your kids together so they learn to cooperate to succeed. This way, they listen to each other’s ideas to find the best possible solution. The feeling of mutual accomplishment will bring them closer.

Hold family meetings. Routinely get your whole family together to address any issues that have come up. You even can hold these meetings during family dinners. Encourage your children to bring up anything they would like to discuss.

Don’t make comparisons. It’s difficult not to compare your children. But to promote harmony, address the issue of the moment only — the messy room, the backtalk or the forgotten chores. Keep each child’s strengths in mind and look for opportunities to point them out. Take time to praise a job well done!

Promote the meaning of family. Periodically reiterate to your children the importance of family. Show them the closeness of family by remaining close to your own siblings. Remind them that friends may come and go, but family is forever.

Source: http://www.pgeverydaysolutions.com/en_CA/products/care_pages/articles/feature_article.jhtml;jsessionid=1D2ANMPJZUPZHQFIASJS0JOAVACJGLKG?channelCode=bf&contentXML=/en_CA/Feature_Article/200804_bf_seven_easy_ideas_to_promote_sibling_harmony.xml

All good things… March 25, 2008

must move on!

Thanks everyone for the past three odd years, and some. Its hard to imagine a blog life without you all, but we’re excited nonetheless.

Continue to remember us in your prayers.

Lots of love,

Imran & Sheza